Laughter is one of the only tools that can get us through anything. When things seem dark, a good chuckle can give us a better perspective. Jokes for seniors are more vital than ever, as many seniors can’t connect with their families the way they used to due to social distancing guidelines. Not being able to be in a room with your family for a year means that you often need the power of jokes to get you by. Luckily, jokes for seniors are a lot of fun. They’re not too dirty and usually reach a pretty wide audience. And, of course, they’re not mean-spirited. Jokes aren’t funny if someone has the potential of getting hurt by the punchline.
So, here are some jokes for seniors that’ll brighten their day with some hearty chuckles.
Best Jokes for Seniors
- Ah, the modern days…
I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone, to cross the street.
- Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.”
Doctor: “When did it start?” Patient: “Next Friday.”
- Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
- What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name.
- What do you call bears with no ears?
- A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.”
She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.”
- I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
- A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals. He visited one hospital in Brooklyn and brought along his portable keyboard.
After telling jokes and singing songs at patients’ bedsides, he said farewell and, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
- What do you call the wife of a hippie?
- Did you hear the watermelon joke?
- A woman in labor suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
The doctor said, “Don’t worry, those are just contractions.”
- How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
- How does the moon cut his hair?
- What do lawyers wear to court?
- Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
- Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you.
- You know you’re getting older when you have a party and the neighbors don’t realize it.
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
- If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model.
Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks and my exhaust backfires.
- What do you call it when Batman skips church?
- There are four stages of old age:
You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down.
- Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
- What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
- A businessman boarded an international flight and found a fancy young woman seated next to him wearing a large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring.
“It is the Klopman diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said. “What’s the curse,” he asked. She replied, “Mr. Klopman.”
- How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-year-old husband?
Tell him you’re pregnant.
- What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?
A boa constructor.
- Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?
Try a bookstore under fiction.
- When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up.
When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore.
- What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarterback.
- Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
Lack of concentration.
- You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well pee while I’m here…”
- The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.
- Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
- I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”
- Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
- I’m not hard of hearing…
I’ve just heard enough.
- A senior is sitting at a bar when a young woman walks in and sits down a few seats over.
The senior man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans in, and asks, “So… do I come here often?”
- What was the radioactive older adult’s superpower?
- I’m going to open a nightclub for senior citizens…
The Soft Rock Cafe.
- Two older women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
- Speaking to her 93-year-old grandfather, a young woman asked, “Grandpa, what were your good old days?”
Grandpa’s reply? “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.”
- Two older gentlemen, Fred and Sam, went to see a movie. Merely minutes into the movie, Sam heard Fred rustling around. It appeared that he was reaching under all of the seats. “What on earth are you doing, Fred?” asked Sam. Fred indignantly responded, “I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I’m trying to find it!” Annoyed, Sam told him not to worry about it — they could get him another caramel later since that one was ruined by now. “But I’ve got to,” said Fred, exasperated. “My teeth are in it!”
- “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- An older gentleman shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, rather painfully looking, onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split supreme. The waitress smiled kindly at him, asking, “Crushed nuts?” The older gentleman replied, “No… arthritis.”
- An older man, living alone, decided he wanted to add a pet companion to his life. After thinking long and hard about the decision, he buys a parrot and brings it home. However, the parrot almost immediately starts insulting the older man and gets really rude. In a moment of frustration, the man picks up the parrot and tosses it into the freezer to teach it a lesson. But when the bird stops squawking, the man panics and opens the freezer. The parrot walks out, looks up at the man, and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.” The man replies, “Well, thank you. I forgive you, and I’m sorry too.” The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking… what’d the chicken do?”
- Boy: “Wow, so many scars. You must have had an adventurous life!”
Old man: “No, I just have a cat.”
- Prayer for Good Health for Seniors:
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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